I turned 42 a few days ago. I took the day off and went off in the woods. I asked my coworkers not to acknowledge it. I turned down an invite for a drink with a friend. I've hidden my birthday on FB from most people so I don't have to deal with people that never interact with me wishing me a happy birthday. My mum texted; my grandmother sent a card.
On Monday, during therapy, I said that I wish I had never been born. This is a new one. For so many years, I've wanted to stop existing. But the big thing. The biggest thing. I wish I had never been born to experience all this pain. To stop to the cycle of intergenerational trauma.
I'm having a hard time watching birth and babies on TV and in movies. They make me cry. I was once a new parent, filled with hope and love.
I sent N a text the other day to apologize for being a shitty parent. I'm taking an 'impact vs intent' approach to this. I have to turn things over to how Nathan feels. What was my impact? Clearly terrible if he's decided to cut me out of his life. I don't get to decide whether I was a good parent or not.
My therapist got me talking about my childhood. It wasn't great. I'm supposed to grieve that. But haven't I grieved enough for all the other things?
What is the actual point of me being born?
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