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Still True

 Goddamn FB memories. I wrote this a year ago:


If you're ever tempted to tell me 'oh, he's a teenage boy; he'll come around' or 'all teenagers are like that', please spare me the profound pain.
Not all teens are like *this*. Saying so completely dismisses the ten long years I co-parented with an abuser who actively undermined me and chipped away at my ability to parent, while i tried to recover from the 9 yr abusive relationship I had with him. Nevermind the call I once had to make to the cops to try and have my ex removed from my home when he showed up and told N that he didn't have to live with me if he didn't want to and started packing his stuff into the bags he'd brought. That was an obvious move but my relationship with Nathan was the result of ten solid years of having a terrible man poison him against me while I fucking fought to get Nathan everything he needed, including the space and affirmation to explore his gender.
There's no way to grieve this loss, to live with estrangement. At least once a week I come up against some reference to toxic parents and I have to fight to remind myself that that is *not* me. I did the best I could with what I had but it wasn't enough in the face of continued abuse. I've been in therapy for 14 months working on issues of CPTSD, and avoidant attachment because I don't/can't trust my ability to relate to people.
It feels very much that my child is lost to me and that there is no way to come back from this. So, please, spare me your platitudes about how teens are supposed to hate their parents.
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