Loss

I'm thinking today about loss. I've pulled myself out of a dark room where I was not napping to write this down. (I've lost the ability to nap. All this introverting means I'm not crashing at the end of the day and I miss having this as a coping tool when I really just want to shut down.) 

I lost my son. My sister K also lost her son, to cancer. My sister D has lost two sons to what I can only call estrangement, as they are pursing paths that don't allow for a relationship with their sober parents. 

What do we do with all this loss? Why is there all this loss? 

I'm reading a book about the relationship a woman has with the sisters she wasn't raised with, having been adopted from Korea to a Canadian family. She meets these sisters again as an adult and she builds complicated relationships with them. I am not an adoptee but this hits close. Unlike reunited with bio family, there has been no reunion. A coffee with one sister. Meeting another sister at the memorial for her dead son. Disjointed messages via email and FB. 

My therapist wants me to grieve my childhood but there's so many aspects of that. Which do I mourn first - that I never got a chance to be a child? That I didn't have my sisters in my life? 

There are no resources for me to support the loss of my living child. I ask a friend who consults another friend who produces a list of books and articles on parental alienation. I'm familiar with most of this list. I read Divorce Poison 10 years too late. I do not need resources to tell me what has already happened. I need supports to show me how to live with my child 10 minutes away, where he doesn't want to know me.