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Not OK

I just burst into tears while walking the dog, alone in the dark...Over everything and nothing at all. Just all of it. I'm not ok. 

I spent today chipping away at an intake form for a ketamine clinic but I can't list every psych drug I've taken or every therapist I've seen or the duration and regularity. I'm going to have to track down my medical chart from 1997 to 2010 that didn't get transferred when I changed doctors in 2010. I don't even know whether I'll be able to access the clinic, as I think they want someone to drop you off and pick you up for each session. I don't have that. I don't think I'll ever have that. Oh, the form also asked about my childhood. 5 days until my next therapy session...

I went for a stomach scope yesterday and all I did was hope that the anesthesia would go wrong (go right?) and knock me out forever and ever. Sadly, I came to and the diagnosis isn't cancer (for now). I would welcome a terminal illness right about now. 

I keep on asking my doctor about medically assisted death for depression and she thinks I'm joking. I'm really not joking. 

Still no contact with N unless it involves me buying him something. 

I haven't touched another person in over a month, clothed or naked. I don't want to pull out the #aloneforever hashtag, but there it is. I've been rejected by two men this year so that they could pursue people better suited for them. I guess I'm just a stopgap until someone better comes along? I don't know how to find a person that will accept me for my messy self and my need for autonomy. 

Please let me die peacefully in my sleep as soon as possible. Thx. Bye. 


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