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Random notes from a discarded journal, all circa 2018

All the terrible things that have happened over the last 20 years can be tracked back to D. Ten years after leaving him I'm still receiving [debt] collection threats. He's ruined my relationship with my child. I don't even trust people the way I did before I met him

I'm so disappointed in my life - the way it's ended up. I'm alone and I'm unhappy. I have good quality people in my life but they have their own lives to live. I miss my kid, but even that relationship is troubled by their abusive behaviours.

--

What if Rumplestilzkin just wanted to be an uncle or a godfather? What if all the fairy tale villains just wanted a chance at happiness?

Have I missed my chance? Did my wrong choice mean of a lifetime of heartbreak and misery? Is it too late to turn this around? Where do I even start?

--

I often think about killing myself. There's the balcony, which I try to avoid. There's the bathtub. Razors. All my prescription meds. Driving my car off the Gardiner. Knives. I wonder if I would ever have the courage to end my life. To leave, without apologies. I think about all the hurt I would leave behind. But all the hurt I would no longer have to feel. And to be honest, the only thing keeping me here is the dog, so I should probably look into how to re-home her for when I'm gone. She could live with [Nathan], who would then have the dog without having to deal with me.

--

I have nightmares, still, 10 years later, where I'm married to Dave, or I'm stuck with him somewhere and I'm desperate to explain to someone that I'm done, that I'm not really with him. But I'm tied together in some way, in this dream state and I can't get out of it. When I wake up, I feel dirty and used and unsettled.

5/25/18 - dreamed that he wouldn't let me leave
5/26/18 - tried to sell me on investment scams

[I stopped keeping track of the dreams after just these 2 entries. At the end of 2018 I started taking Trazodone at bedtime to deal with what I now understand are PTSD nightmares]

--

Once a fuck up, always a fuck up
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