I told them weeks ago that I wasn't coming for Christmas. He doesn't give a shit. She said that they should have had more kids so someone would show up for Christmas. I did mention that A moved to Cuba and he should receive a guilt trip instead. I didn't mention that they fucked up the relationships with my half-sisters.
For so many years, I put on an act for Xmas. Mostly for Nathan. Mostly because I had been socialized for it. Stockings and Santa photos. Most years I decorated on my own, but the year that Annie came home (2015) I said a tree would confuse her. The next year (2016) I loaned out our mini tree so a friend could mark the holiday in a hospice room. Two years (2017) ago I didn't bother to give a reason or an excuse; I was barely hanging on even tho I had taken two months off of work that fall because of N-related stress. Last year, I saw N for 28 hours over Xmas day/Boxing Day. He glued himself to me, even deciding that we should share a bed that night. Later I set a boundary, to which he reacted poorly and said 'I'm never going to visit you again" and he's stuck to his word. (If nothing else, that kid is committed.) During the car ride to take him to meet up with his dad, I try to make some points...that he needs to find ways to resolve conflict, that it is unreasonable to cut me out for insisting he call his great-grandmother to thank her for cash.
So this year...fuck Christmas. I'm going to ditch the decorations, pack up the ornaments with N's deadname, and make this holiday my very own. I'm thinking a tiny fresh tree and rainbow garland and I'm going to host folks the Saturday before Solstice. I'm gonna buy or make tiny gifts for the people I love. I'm not going to stress about not being able to be myself in front of my parents. I have two weeks off of work and I'm going to spend that time catching up with folks and being very intentional about my time.
Update: the month of December is terrible and I've asked my therapist to book me for weekly appts for December 2020.
For so many years, I put on an act for Xmas. Mostly for Nathan. Mostly because I had been socialized for it. Stockings and Santa photos. Most years I decorated on my own, but the year that Annie came home (2015) I said a tree would confuse her. The next year (2016) I loaned out our mini tree so a friend could mark the holiday in a hospice room. Two years (2017) ago I didn't bother to give a reason or an excuse; I was barely hanging on even tho I had taken two months off of work that fall because of N-related stress. Last year, I saw N for 28 hours over Xmas day/Boxing Day. He glued himself to me, even deciding that we should share a bed that night. Later I set a boundary, to which he reacted poorly and said 'I'm never going to visit you again" and he's stuck to his word. (If nothing else, that kid is committed.) During the car ride to take him to meet up with his dad, I try to make some points...that he needs to find ways to resolve conflict, that it is unreasonable to cut me out for insisting he call his great-grandmother to thank her for cash.
So this year...fuck Christmas. I'm going to ditch the decorations, pack up the ornaments with N's deadname, and make this holiday my very own. I'm thinking a tiny fresh tree and rainbow garland and I'm going to host folks the Saturday before Solstice. I'm gonna buy or make tiny gifts for the people I love. I'm not going to stress about not being able to be myself in front of my parents. I have two weeks off of work and I'm going to spend that time catching up with folks and being very intentional about my time.
Update: the month of December is terrible and I've asked my therapist to book me for weekly appts for December 2020.
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