from the Drafts folder, circa 2017

There are no words for how hard this version of parenting is.

I measure it in screams into pillows

Slammed doors

Prescription medication for depression and anxiety and high blood pressure

Texts that say ‘fuck off’ and ‘I hate you’

School meetings

Comments

Ex

On my best days, I don't think of him at all. On my worst days, I wish him dead. Disaster. Heartbreak. Financial ruin. Death is the best thought. I would collect the life insurance money, and use it to get N some real help, outside of my home. I want a relationship with him, but I don't want him in the space that I've made safe.

On the Occasion of Mother's Day

Originally posted to FB Hey! Mother's Day is next weekend! It's a loaded holiday for a lot of people. I'm already crafting a self care day to keep me occupied. Do you know a parent who might go unacknowledged next weekend? Make a plan TODAY to celebrate them. Find out if kids need support getting gifts, cards, etc. and make something happen for this parent. I'm taking my small friend shopping on Wednesday. Her choices will be wacky and her mom will love it. (I'm backing this up with a CBD bath bomb) I can't ever think of a Mother's day where I felt acknowledged or supported in this role. On my first mother's day I had to pack up me and 7-month old Kiddo to drive an hour each way so my mother-out-law could have her first mother's day as Nana. I think I bought myself bedsheets for the futon as my gift. Which was good because 6 months later it had become my bed in Kiddo's room. On my second mother's day I was in the process of extracting myse...

Birthday and Break Thrus ramble

I turned 42 a few days ago. I took the day off and went off in the woods. I asked my coworkers not to acknowledge it. I turned down an invite for a drink with a friend. I've hidden my birthday on FB from most people so I don't have to deal with people that never interact with me wishing me a happy birthday. My mum texted; my grandmother sent a card. On Monday, during therapy, I said that I wish I had never been born. This is a new one. For so many years, I've wanted to stop existing. But the big thing. The biggest thing. I wish I had never been born to experience all this pain. To stop to the cycle of intergenerational trauma. I'm having a hard time watching birth and babies on TV and in movies. They make me cry. I was once a new parent, filled with hope and love. I sent N a text the other day to apologize for being a shitty parent. I'm taking an 'impact vs intent' approach to this. I have to turn things over to how Nathan feels. What was my impact? Clear...

Using My Words

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