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email I sent to N

Hi Nathan

I have spent the last year going to regular therapy and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is likely something that I had have for a long time, since you were a baby, or even earlier. This diagnosis was first mentioned to me about 8 years ago, but I haven't been able to deal with this diagnosis until recently.

PTSD means that when I am triggered, my unsafe past feels like it is in the present. My nervous system goes into overdrive and it's hard for me to think clearly or respond appropriately. When this happens, my body and my mind feel like they're under attack and it feels like I am in danger. When this happens, I have done things that I'm not proud of and I haven't been my best self.

I understand that I have done things that have hurt you. When I've been activated or triggered, it is impossible for me to think clearly. Often when this happened we did not have a chance to talk about it, or process it afterwards. It is especially hard that I haven't had a chance to process or resolve what led to you leaving, or to understand your perspective of the situation, other than what information I have received second or third hand.

I have been working really hard in therapy, and setting healthy boundaries so that I'm at less risk of being triggered. I'm getting better at identifying my triggers and dealing with them when they do happen. I have surrounded myself with people who love and understand me as my imperfect self. I feel healthier now than I have in a long time because of these steps I have taken.

When I text you about not accepting apologies, only changed behaviour, what I mean is that the best way to show remorse for an action is by demonstrating that the action will not be repeated. I hope that one day you will be able to see the work that I have done on myself and seek to understand more about the affects of PTSD had on my ability to parent, especially when being triggered. I hope I can demonstrate for you one day that I am a changed person. 



Rebecca
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