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I've been crying on and off since Monday evening. Saturday was the anniversary of the OCL telling me that my ex should have sole custody of N. I was also to keep busy and distracted on Saturday. Less so on Sunday. And then Monday evening was therapy where is all came out and I haven't been able to shove it all back in again.

I'm struggling with feeling like a giant failure. That there are really no happy endings. That I will always exist as this broken person.

None of this helped by a terse discussion with two friends over how I handled a request for a content note in a FB group.

None of this helped by fucking Christmas fucking cheer.

None of this helped by getting sick and being in the position of always having to take care of my damn self.

As well, I have seen Nathan once this year. Once. For 20 minutes. I don't even get a text back anymore. He is lost to me.

All these FB memories are coming back from a year ago. A year ago I was still in shock over the OCL decision. A year ago folks sent all these supportive messages about how N would come around. Ridiculous messages of hope.

I had a big cathartic cry in the shower last night, curled up in the bottom of the tub while the hot water hit my back.




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