Self

I got to see Dr Brad Reedy speak earlier this year and scribbled down some notes that I later typed up.

The goal of parenting is to raise a healthy ‘self’. A healthy self cries when they’re sad, sleeps when they’re tired, eats when they’re hungry, etc.

But what gets in the way? You have to know your own self, which means you need to do your own work. We don’t know our self because we’ve been told who and what to be.  

We struggle with figuring out self because our goal is about pleasing parents, pleasing others, etc. As a result, we suffer from the wound of not being seen

It is impossible to find your Self until someone else finds you/affirms your Self.  

How can anyone stand me as I am? Find that person.

How can anyone stand me as I am was a question I pondered a lot. When you risk being rejected if you are your true self around your parents and your major relationship is abusive...where does that leave you? And what happens when even your own child rejects you and says you're abusive?

It took until this past year for me to be able to say 'this person sees my true self and affirms me and I'm safe and accepted'. I think it was key that it was male, because while my female friends affirmed me, it always felt like they were doing that polite female thing that we are socialized to do. Evan is the first man in my life who was kind, yet didn't want my money or sex. Whenever he was kind to me, I wondered why he was being nice to me.

It was key that he was single and childless because I never had to feel like I was taking him away from anyone, or that he had key relationships that I didn't have. (I feel loved and seen by other friends, but also that they don't get what it means to be alone in the world.) Here was a fellow broken person (I'm still learning about the ways in which people broke him...2 years later) who would text me every morning to say 'good morning'. Who told me when he was working from the local cafe and invited me to join him. Who offered to come and get me when I was doing MST treatments at CAMH. Who will hike in the woods with me as we unpack all our shit. Who made sure I got out of the house after the OCL told me they recommended Dave have sole custody.

I have been able to tell him what he means to me and how grateful I am for him and his role in my life. And the other day we were parting and I gave him a hug and told him I loved him and that was good. He found me. He affirms my Self.