What happens when the one thing you're sure you are good at...turns out to be wrong.
I thought I was good at parenting. I advocated and supported and we went on adventures and I kept him supplied with the best books and I was thoughtful and I attempted to teach him routines and structure and household chores. I had rituals and he was literally always on my mind. I navigated the fuck out of his gender exploration. New diagnoses? I was on top of it. Waiting lists? I had a spreadsheet. I tried my hardest to offer time-ins instead of time-outs. I once called in a friend when I just couldn't support room cleaning any longer. I got him into a camp for queer/trans kids. Yes, I lost my temper. Yes, I yelled. But that was just 10%, if that. I chose my battles. I had natural consequences. None of it seemed to have made a difference. He still thought it was ok to hit me, to shove me, to hurt the dog. He used to lay in bed with me and tell me that I didn't love him and I would list all the ways I showed love and it never made a difference. He didn't see it.
And then N left and I'm no longer a parent and everything I ever did has been rejected. He says I was abusive. (I hit him on purpose twice that I remember, but I spent so much more time trying to block him from hitting me, trying to remove him from my space/my body, hiding in my bedroom with the dog, letting the dog cower and shake behind my legs because of the yelling) Did any of my advocacy help him? Does he have any good memories of me?
It's left me questioning everything. Was I a good parent? I'm not sure of anything anymore.
It's affecting how I operate in other areas of my life. He says I'm sexy. Why should I believe him? They tell me I'm doing a good job at work. Am I really? Self doubt is real. My friends say I'm a good person. When will they change their minds?
I thought I was good at parenting. I advocated and supported and we went on adventures and I kept him supplied with the best books and I was thoughtful and I attempted to teach him routines and structure and household chores. I had rituals and he was literally always on my mind. I navigated the fuck out of his gender exploration. New diagnoses? I was on top of it. Waiting lists? I had a spreadsheet. I tried my hardest to offer time-ins instead of time-outs. I once called in a friend when I just couldn't support room cleaning any longer. I got him into a camp for queer/trans kids. Yes, I lost my temper. Yes, I yelled. But that was just 10%, if that. I chose my battles. I had natural consequences. None of it seemed to have made a difference. He still thought it was ok to hit me, to shove me, to hurt the dog. He used to lay in bed with me and tell me that I didn't love him and I would list all the ways I showed love and it never made a difference. He didn't see it.
And then N left and I'm no longer a parent and everything I ever did has been rejected. He says I was abusive. (I hit him on purpose twice that I remember, but I spent so much more time trying to block him from hitting me, trying to remove him from my space/my body, hiding in my bedroom with the dog, letting the dog cower and shake behind my legs because of the yelling) Did any of my advocacy help him? Does he have any good memories of me?
It's left me questioning everything. Was I a good parent? I'm not sure of anything anymore.
It's affecting how I operate in other areas of my life. He says I'm sexy. Why should I believe him? They tell me I'm doing a good job at work. Am I really? Self doubt is real. My friends say I'm a good person. When will they change their minds?
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| https://www.instagram.com/bethdrawsthings/ |
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