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Back and Forth

Much back and forth with N's dad this week. He's changed N's doctor, is having him evaluated for ADD/ADHD, so on and so forth. All without letting me know, which goes against the signed agreement we have. I've involved my lawyer and I also faxed the doctor's office with a copy of the agreement.

But why do I bother? Nathan has been pretty clear he doesn't want anything to do with me.

But what if I don't make an effort? What message does this send to N? Will that reinforce his idea that I'm a shitty person?

I found this image which describes it pretty well



I find myself CONSTANTLY second guessing myself. Is this alienation or do I deserve this treatment? I am upset because things are out of my control...and is that a normal reaction or the sign of being controlling or toxic? Am I a toxic parent? Will Nathan ever remember or acknowledge all the good things I did? Will I ever have a chance to explain to him about the impact that PTSD had on me, on my parenting?

I don't know how to disengage from David while still being engaged in Nathan's life, considering that all information comes from Dave. It all just feels like a lost cause, especially after learning that Nathan is going to change his last name from mine to his dad's.


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