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21 months

I can't write about what happened with N. Not yet.

My therapist talks to me about the Window of Tolerance and shows me a diagram. I realize that when it comes to talking about N, I just exist in that hypoarousal area. There's no sense feeling anything about it anymore, because what's the point?



He left in January 2018. We last had a 28 hour visit in December of 2018. I didn't see him again until August for about 20 minutes, as he prepared to board the bus to summer camp. I don't expect to see him again. Not for his birthday this month (I mailed his card and a $25 gift card to his school, in case of his teacher) and certainly not for Christmas.

My life is better now? I don't dread getting up in the morning, knowing that I'll have to battle to get him out of bed. I don't dread coming home to him to have him lie to be about taking out the dog. I don't miss arguments about food, about personal hygiene, about his physical violence. The dog doesn't cower anymore.

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